I only talk to my one sister on occasion but we dont do much together. I gave them a decent life and have a good relationship with my son, as I did with my daughter until about 12 years ago. Whenever we fight, he has to say the meanest things. In the I forgave him and worked it out. For him to be the husband, father, son, friend and all around person God created him to be. Most times he gets angry at me and distances himself even when I am unaware I offended him.what do I do. We are married and have two kids together. I find it heartbreaking yet wonderful that you are still thinking of others who are in similar situations. I keep saying once I find another job and make more money then hell think better of me. Gods not failed me yet and He never will! Hold onto this. You say that if this was happening in a non-work situation that youd defend yourself. She began to compare herself with me, while putting me down. I just dont have spare money to give right now. She accuses me of taking everything personally, even though weve been together 13 years and I didnt identify what I felt she was doing until 3 years ago. Yet he always says things to me that Im thinking thats negative about who I am and I say no I think this witch is the total opposite of what hes saying but he does not believe me ????? Ive never put him down or been mean to him EVERRR!!! I was severely bullied as a kid for my over bite, by one particular kid. I can hear that frustration Kelly. You really have nothing to criticize about your life, but your fiance is finding ways to insult you and put you down. I liked myself then, before she got to me too much on the inside. Just because I dont say thank you because youre a dick? With two perfect hostages, our children.His abuse was degrading, hed smash anything that I held dear, I lost most of my friends as they couldnt take the dramas anymore.but I needed him so desperately, it sounds insane and it was. However it really hurts when rather than support me my husband thinks its ok to belittle my ability and then remark that he knows far more about the subject than I do. i dont have much time for details, but i can say this, my childhood friend who considers me family has decided that i am a terrible person only when i have good fortune come my way. good luck. for those past months he didint and the suddenly he starting cuming to work to give me a handshake. People cant see the journey youve made. I would like to know why would someone make fun of me but then invite me to their house , make plans etc. Hes just the type of friend who use other friends to be popular. Its always about them. My dad always puts me down in front of others about how fat I am. I am so tired of trying to be a better person when he constantly knocks me down with his words. I dread seeing my daughter because she always puts me down - The Sun There really is nothing yet he starts yelling at me saying there is and keeps saying what he thinks Im thinking ? I wasnt willing to endure more abuse. I am hurting inside because I want to give it a chance but they wont stop. One day at a time you can do it too. They will be leaving in couple weeks. Guess everyone is right. I just hope the everything will turn out rightMay God bless me too-so i may not cause pain to others. I didnt deserve it he said because an ex boyfriend text-ed me about paying him back money I had borrowed from him in the past. It got so bad I just left the house for the rest of the night. Its OK to think the way you do, and an entirely natural conclusion to have come to, given how you were spoken to. People either get how things need to work or they dont, and theres no way you should suffer at the hands of someone who justdoesntget it. ! Make a stand now or it will likely get worse. I enjoy going to the Casino (not spending alot of money), but its MY time. They called me bitch,slow, stupid,midget, wack,cornball, idot, I am no good, I have no luck With men ,crazy the list goes on and on. I already knew hes the kind of person who likes to put-down other people(me). No matter what I do or say/ she dishes it out, & in complete denial of her own shortcomings (also ignorant to the fact of why she does it) she is set. I decided to make a pact with myself one day riding the bus home from school. I was married for 27 years and had 2 kids with a man who constantly put me down. Don't you agree? Yet my fiance is starting to act like my family does. I let everything slide. Please realise that you deserve better than the way youre being treated. We split up for about 3 months now we have been back together for 5. My counselor say it could be because I threw myself into taking care of my family and never allowed myself to grieve. I saw my girlfriends, went on outings with my child, got my hair and nails done, started doing crafts or hobbies I used to enjoy plus started reading positive books & listening to my music. Lena, rather than asking how long it can take for you to believe in yourself again, what if the question was: If I believed in myself right now, what choice would I make? I can tell you it is a very odd feling at first to make a strong stand for yourself and others. If they cant respect me for what I m then they dont deserve to be a part of my life. One more thing, I used to cry a lot theres nothing morally wrong with it, but I will tell you this : it is not a very useful thing, it doesnt work on these types of people (people who dont give a damn about other people dont actually care) and it causes you a helluva lot of stress. After a divorce and my kids grown, now I try to spend time MY time. I also get problems with trash talking if guys fancy me and I dont fancy them back. And then there is my mother, insulting me, belittling me likke I am a lost cause. This left me with no self esteem. Shes so manipulative and awful! The worst thing now is my 8 year old girl is copying him in the way he speaks to me and basically I am sick of it!!!!!!! Youre beautiful. My husband and I dated for about two and half years before marrying. Its been 7 years and Ive had enough. I am just done being everyones victim. I mean, my father loves to put-down others. If you mother doesnt step in (her parenting flaw I think) then you need to step in. It never gets better or brings acknowledgement of my feelings. All of a sudden lately he has become a different person. We have explosive tempers. i am 40 and i have learned to deal with people putting me down most of my life . Nobody can change anyone else, all you can do is change the reaction you have to their spitefulness. Of course they are going to say you are the evil person, they dont want you to resist because then they would have to find someone else to bully! That is quite small. So that he proceeds to crumble into oblivion. Most of the time we are stronger emotionally than they are and we can take more. You have to bloody his nose to make him stop. Talk to him about the kind of future you want to move into. I reasoned that even if she had been lying that I had to be such a joke that the mere idea of me liking a boy was cause for ridicule because everyone but me knew what a fool I was. I have had lots of verbal encouragement from those around me who all think what I am doing is a great idea. Just wanted to went. I wandered lost for a few years supporting myself from job to job. The younger son fell out of school, can not hold a job for more then two days. In the heart. Yes, your mother can be your enemy! I am So down about myself how can i get stronge to get my self back up again. Not anymore! I cannot allow it to continue. My husband allows members of his family to put me down, in fact, at times, it seems that he encourages it. Im old and I dont want to go through a divorce again. 1. It creates behaviour that it believes will enhance that status, even if it needs to compromise or short-circuit a belief about whats right or appropriate. Thank GOD. Is it my stomach that I have to deal with or is it my father? I was the youngest of 4. Still, we also know that deep down we love each other and that we want the best for each other. Attitude of Gratitude. You can love him and support him and let him know youre there. Tell her it was so nice talking with her and hang up. My stepdad has being doing this thing for months where he sees me and he fake screams as if hes seen a monster. Is that a source of tension? Pretty much my family( minus my youngest siblings who are innocent.) Of all of it! I double check my work but some things still get missed. Soon, he went through some financial struggles and wanted to leave, unbeknownst to him, I received a huge settlement from a previous accident that was to remain untouched till after college. I dont think theres anything in you that needs to be fixed, but perhaps its how you respond to the negative behaviour that sends a message that its okay for them to do that? He has not worked since day 1. Making new friends I would mostly love 2 make friends with people that r my age & that r still struggling with bullying, laughed at, name calling I just dont let it get 2 me anymore as much I just ignore the mean rude jelouse people I do take 4 meds though 2 calm me down so I dont have 2 think as much of what I have gone though. Other than this, though, her comments are more passive-aggressive and subtle. What are your thoughts? View our online Press Pack. I now have children myself , and can imagine how crushing such behaviour would . Jannine, Sammy JAM and Kate have some solid insights here. So instead of smoothing things over, not wanting to upset him, or feeling like you need to earn his love, whats a different route you could take? We are not supporting complimenting respecting being objective caring being responsible for our own actions. When I met him, I was going through alot of emotional changes from my previous relationship. These people exist everywhere in life. His view of you, his constant eroding of your self-esteem, is entirely a reflection of him, not you. I have been with my partner for 6 years. No matter what I always do, its never good enough. Getting out if thats what it takes. Says I push his buttons and make him mad. But siblings brought up in the same house can have very different perspectives on their upbringing and sometimes one child is the scapegoat [who gets the brunt of a parents behaviour], said Davies-Smith. Amy Dickinson: Adult daughter constantly criticizes mom You dont have to get into a fight, just calmly and sincerely explain that you were hurt when she did what she did, that youre stronger than she knows and that you want to get on with her. when i found love, had my baby and now am getting married she verbally attacks me, accusing me of wrong doing that i had no hand in at all. Nothing I do makes a difference in my daughters eyes. The important thing to remember is that you dont have to do this alone. Tell him you have better things to do then go back to your leave me alone phrase. So theres a choice you have to make Elizabeth. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms. Whats a loving gesture towards yourself? He constantly puts me down over silly things, I dont know music, the tv shows I enjoy are stupid and he puts them down too, and my family, or my cooking. What a legacy to leave. Now that lies were believed and most precious of relationships have gone, its a real effort to smile and hope theyll catch on. Its not easy, especially when the people putting you down is your own family. Feelings emerge from thinking, so if you have thoughts about not being good enough youre going to feel pretty shitty. You have the ability to contribute, to add value and to create a life that makes you smile from the inside out. You are only 48! Youre right, that a put-down is given because of where the person who gives is at, not the receiver. Put her in her place (do it decisively but without outright rage and violence) and hopefully shell think twice before crossing your boundaries again. He use to tell me I was beautiful, but I havent heard that in a while. The hardest part is, I just dont like how other people think of him as a good person. Maybe she feels you don't see her as a grown woman. If theres an HR department, go make a formal complaint. I believed it for a minute, that maybe I am just going to end up like my father, a loser. He wont do anything for anyone like doing our laundry when we return, just his, its all take and no give. People are dumb like that, theyll do what works until they have strong evidence that itdoesntwork, and thats evidence that only you can create. the way i felt towards my own baby was just i donteven have words todiscribe how aweful that was ugh but if i dont involve her she makes it seem like i am the villan for not tellingher or involving her as a big part ofmy life. Sometimes I am very adamant about where I stand but sometimes I just get tired of defending myself. Me and my son had a great relationship now I feel like this guy is turning him away from me. Rent, power, food, etc. The shame was crippling and I could smell their disappointment. Promise me? She would constantly put me down and try to get make me feel left out so she could be the one, or whatever she thinks. I always stand up to her. Thank you I really needed to hear this today. I told him the libraries are full of speeches like that and instructions, but please welcome and take a load of me and do it better if you already know how and especially since I am doing it so bad. I can not have any female friends. On top of it, I knew they were gossiping about me too. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing just a little of your story, and I can only begin to imagine the pain youve all gone through. Im 51 year old. The tragedy comes when it did work but doesnt, when love was but isnt. By lashing out, she feels she is defending herself when she feels most fragile. Boundaries and self love are concepts I can understand but find hard to implement. I put up with 3 1/2 years of being told I needed to be fixed plus harassment and the pastors abusing their roles. As far as the other points go, they hold truth, but it is not worth staying with someone if he doesnt change his attitude towards you. Take amazing care of yourself because you deserve it, not because you feel like you ought. My mother and I are both just waiting for each other to die I think. I know that if i stay i wont ever be myself again. She blocks my granddaughter from contacting me and wont even let me talk to her. I get put down from my sister & brother, I stick up for myself but they turn things around & make it all about them, It isnt that easy as this story portrays. There were many good times and we seemed like any normal family. Im lucky that I believe in God. and worst thing is this person gets great pleasure out of this. Cut all these horrible yucky people out of your life like so many rotten apples, its the only way you will ever gain peace. I see how its so important that people be friends with themselves. You forget about her. My parents make me feel like a Failure! I dont know your family, but I think this advice is universal. Being firm. Anyway, it sounds like there are some aggressive people in your family. She says shes from the ghetto, and uses slang that is so mean.she always acts like she own my school and me because shes black. so now i dont evenwant to tell her about any events that benifit my life, much less involve her, simply because she finds some way to make something wonderful into something painful and i feel guilty for even enjoying those moments that rarely come along in the first place like when i first had my baby, trying to feed her naturally, she made me so stressed and belittled that i eventually couldnt even feed her that way without feeling uncomfortable. I have just got home from work I have a new insecure colleague who is constantly putting me down as a joke. It was horrible. I got a letter back from my sister saying I had opportuntunities to love, but I didnt. now everybody at work sees me as a loser. yes! Hopper: Class of 58. I want to take responsibility for my actions as well but that is never enough. What would you suggest they do? Why does my own sister put me down? Why does she make me feel insecure Hold up your hand to interrupt them. Then look for the opportunity to think about it differently, and be ready to choose a better thought. Theres this girl at my school. We, for different reasons cant always walk away- we are in situations where, if we do respond, then others will feel uncomfortable-My ex husband shares a business with me- he delights in subtle put downs or awkward questioning of me in FRONT of customers/clients- I do speak to him when they have left-I have told him to NOT put me in such an awkward (both for me and the customers) situation- But he is a very unkind human- who has never ever bonded with another being and telling him makes no difference- He lacks compassion- he has ruined the business as he hurts the feelings of customers- some people seem to enjoy his bantering- but to me, it is rude-I wish I could leave my business- walk away but Id be homeless- I am no longer young- In the divorce it would have died as it could not be split- And there was not sufficient for me to survive on. Imagine if someone spoke to you now, like your dad did back then. I love my partner and i have left him before. I like it very much. But i go back, thinking that itll be different. I dont know what to do. Because of them I started hating myself and further getting abused outside with not many friends. Breath. Right now my friend is mad at me again about something stupid I did. Accuses me of men being at my house just because I miss a text or a call from him. He has been making fun of our girls cause of the school they go to. look on the critics with pity. My husband is moody, he constantly criticizes me, but the worst thing is he puts me down in . He has no power over you. They may also be jealous, evil-minded, etc. What to do. he has a big pride and even bigger ego, I think I am almost sure I no longer love him A person you can absolutely trust and with no need to feel you unburdened to much.A professional friend who wont throw your vulnerabilities back in your face or put you down if you dont obey. I feel like I have been fighting this particular battle my entire married life and it has not gotten a lot better. He tell me constantly how I need to better myself so others will take me seriously and respect me. Of course I rebelled when I started working and had some independence, but my Mother still put her needs first. Run! Imagine, the long years of agony. You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. Have you told her to stop? YOU are amazing individual and my heart hurt to read your comment because Im hoping and prayin you have found your way OUT! i dont know what to do at this point beside talking to god. So basically its my fault they harassed me. Maybe he is struggling with that. Telling him. It makes people shrink into themselves and limits life, and theres no reason for it to happen. There is no where for me to go now. If you have thoughts about deserving whats being given to you youll feel like youre not okay in a world that is okay. Ive been trying to get away from him but he keeps following me around. I dont know if he is just showing off and spreading rumors, or if there really is something wrong with me. Please think about these questions and answers and then consider my suggestions. We just had a cousin of his visit and she treated me as though I was invisible. It never was. It was not the way I responded that fueled my abuser. If, having considered those questions, youre coming up blank then theres really only one choice left to you. Your story made me cry because it sounds a lot like mine. Sounds like a great choice, and I hope things have continued to improve for you. I have no friends anymoreI moved away and never bothered to make new ones (scared I think)..I just work or do chores at home. Write down a thought diary if it helps you get clarity on the thinking that happens. I learned something from TVs Dr Phil that Ive always remembered. even though Im only a size 12. I am very tired and I have little love left. Its wonderful, brave and its how youll get to carve a life you love. I was no better than them and they loved it! I would always feel like I was being watched. Returning now to the opening of this post: Joan's description of her adult daughter, Briana, (names changed for privacy) is heart-wrenching. Otherwise I will become a permemant no one not just the weekly down I feel.. Im tired of making dinners that are picked apart and unappreciated. he keeps threatening me with divorce (I am his second marriage, and he didnt put much effort in his first either, especially with his kids who dont even talk with him today). Remember, its not your job to fix him, just as its not your job to please him. I have a friend who sometimes jokingly takes verbal jabs at me but she is receptive to me telling her Im offended and genuinely apologizes for the put down. Dreading my Father coming home from work, hence she should accuse me of some childish offence. Its bad. I immediately sought help through a therapist. Laura, please be strong! So, what family I have left is this spouse, a mentally ill sister, and a son and basically estranged daughter. Visit a church and talk to a pastor (you dont have to be a member), trust cautiously. It is so humiliating, hurtful and imbarassing when this happens. I know he resents me for a lot of things. Then watch something on TV to distract you or play a sport. B what does that place look like for you? Ive never did anything wrong to deserve this crap. The last episode: After 3years I divorced my husband and I was expecting her to support me. You dont need to prove yourself. I am so happy , I am more positive and sleep so much better . Your sister is the bully/ bossy one who wants to be on top. Most of the high schoolers except for some ruthlessly picked on her. I though that when you had a partner you are there through thick and thin..it hurts me to know that I dont have the same support I have givin to him and continue to give himI felt so alone and now i know Im not. He also makes fun of my parents that I love very much. I just need some help. he also has this gift of turning every fight around his way. He tells me he wants to help me but constantly brings up the past asks me the same questions over and over to explain my days in detail but goes mad if I do the same. Its not funny and I dont see why he thinks its funny. like wtf. My Mother wouldnt get me braces or acknowledge that this was happening. But he can smoothe through what he did and just tell me hes not doing that anymore. Are you upset that your daughter is close with her mother-in-law? If they try to interact. Sometimes we do not say anything because we try to avoid hurting their feelings and its much easier taking their abuse than to disturbe the peace. I also cleaned up and decided that wasnt a life for me or my kids. I need help! I cant tell you what to do Jenna. Miserable people love to have company. A close friend has begun talking about me in front of another friend of hers, as if Im not in the room. I get that there are practical difficulties in getting out, separating or moving on, but ask yourself this: whats the impact of you staying in the same situation for another 5 years? Being in control of the environment has a substantial impact on the level of stress we feel. Intimate details Ive told her about myself become public knowledge. But get this he said I made him feel bad about himself just by being me go figure. You deserve a better experience, and friends who treat you this way and dont listen might not be the kinds of friends you need. He got an important part of my life and it always helped me talking with him. Hugs and kisses to you. Anyway, I wrote back two lines simply saying I wanted nothing more to do with any of them. Often we just take put-downs because we dont want to upset anyone or rock the boat. I love all you beautiful, kind-hearted people who love the unlovable everyday and sacrifice your happiness in your search to help another by loving them in their most difficult moments. they do not seem to care. Apologies for the long comment. Good luck. You can find and grow those lovely parts of yourself. Ive been struggling with social anxiety for a very long time now, but its getting worse all the time. It never will be. I am in a relationship that is definately full of putdowns. Does your friend mean it? How do I move on? That God will give me strength and confidence to overcome my husbands insults and He gives me the words and wisdom of using those words to promote change in my husband. I wish you well and want to say that we dont ever lose friends, we just find out who the real ones are. So I have decided to cut off from such people. I am not going to join in anymore. Is hiding and elude himself dont stand up for himself or take responsibility for his life. Well, she said, in front of this other person, I told what you said, and she thinks youre being too sensitive.. I was so happy when we got together felt like everything would be perfect. I should be flattered, but she should be happy for me, not bring me down because she is jealous of what I have. I hope things have improved and that you see how youre already plenty good enough. People like your friend will continue to pull their stunts because they think they can be absolved with a mumbled apology. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. I need my power back. You see, my mother was recently diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer. I so appreciate the honesty of your story, mother of three. Let start off by saying the person I am today is totally different from the person I was before and Ive made a lot of bad choices. I can just SMILE NOW. But. Easy to say, usually easy enough to do. Boy doe is she ever and always ready to insult, put down, etc. Stop my hard work by shutting figuritive doors in my face out of sheer dislike of me. I think its wonderful that youre pursuing your childhood dream, in spite of some of the judgements around you. Im tired. I pray that I will finish with a first. My mother recently died and despite what she put me through it upset me deeply, I guess I always hoped wed fix it. What made me come to this website was to look for relief from being constantly put-down and look for support. Even as far as Ive put a piece of post on her desk that isnt mine. But while its easier said than done, you have to start to change things. Destructive narcissism is the people who want to do you down for no logical reason. They hate you (their fault and problem, not yours) but that doesnt mean they are right! I remember my abusive parents given me put downs, and people at school, I used to hurt myself because I let it get to me and I would often remember those awful things they called me like worthless, a piece of crap, a looser, a nobody, a sick child for having a disability,, and how noone can like me for that or at least Love me. Ask Amy: Adult daughter constantly criticizes mom - The Ithaca Journal I tell him to get oout he says tomorrow and never leaves. You have the right to let him know that you expect to be treated with love and respect, but you also have the opportunity to let him know that you love him, are there to support him and how much you want to carve out a future together. I am now 41 years old. Im tired of the constant criticism or questioning how I am doing things. Its usually about the computer not working or his xbox, stuff like that. I understand every last struggle a single mother faces. He puts the wrongs that they did to me on my shoulders. Cant I fix something about myself to make him treat me like he did when we first met? He is popular, everyone hangs out with him , they love his company, i did too but i dont anymore. Our sex life is almost non existent because he wont have sex with me unless I initiate. (everytime the person is not wrong sometime the person who is pointing out the mistakes he is also wrongbut nothey dont agree and are coming and asking for me to help them and nothing)give me some solutions i m feed upand they are sometime blackmailing that u will not get success with joining group or friends like us but the truth is that i have complete my work with my struggle and when i ask them for help they tell they dont have time to help inspite of they are having freeethey refuse,,and they are selfish means they are rich ,,,)please help me in alll possible ways.and read all msg may you will feel bored to read such big msg but plsz read and this is life experience )plszzzzz.tell me solutionssswaiting for reply.. Remember this many people who put other people down in my personal opinion have some sort of mental disability and are not worth the time or trouble to worry about. I am seeing this behavior more and more. My granddaughter came to . The thing is he is bipolar and this can be difficult at times. I want a trophy wife! I get tired of feeling inferior to him because he can argue in circles and make more sense at times on his points. Tell him to leave you alone dont answer any more questions, accusations, threats just keep telling him to leave you alone even if you must tell him 10 times. I will definitely try some of the strategies. I let that idea fester and grow and used even a perceived rejection as proof that I was an embarrassment to others and myself. When they needed something. A sister that taunted me for years, and even now in my late thirties relishes in telling me about how I was such a pain when I was little, crying loads, holding my breath to get attention, take everything too seriously and cant take a joke. I let him know that I dont appreciate the comments and now hes telling me I am sensitive. And always watching porn. I hope my story helps somebodys decision easier Good Luck to All. I was abused as a child and I now recreationally drink and use cocaine. If they continue, and this is perhaps the hardest part of all, then you need to start making connections elsewhere and start leaving these people behind you. The stupid put downs/jones have eroded our friendship and intimacy and I feel we are dead It breaks my heart for him not to Be in my life, but I have to save myself.. You brain normally takes the workload of perception off you, automatically taking the situation youre in and creating a world of thought and resultant feelings based on what it pulls together from past experience, memory and its deep desire to be safe. Regardless, it left the impression on me that my feelings for someone were something that could cause shame for not only me but for the other person. Its clear that this is something a lot of people have to deal with, and its pretty damn clear how horrible it is to be in it. Whatever theyre doing now is not working. If he does work its cash jobs and I should not take everything from him he has nothing. Its hard to believe this is the man that; two years ago got down on his knees and begged me to go out with him. Emily, I hope you are feeling better. ate up. But please always remember that you dont have to earn his love. He tells me I cant hold an intelligent conversation amongst other hurtful things btw Im graduating thins year from an accredited university in Pre vet science and going to grad school for neuroscience in the fall. Lately, other people at my school have been making fun of me too, and I wonder if they are right. What you gotta remember is that very few people have a healthy sense of self confidence and it is all very dog eat dog out there at the mo, more than ever it seems. My parents are always putting me down. If he is comfortable treating you this way, once the children are of an age where they speak their mind and act in ways that are out of his control Enough said. Im taken aback by the comments and stories here. He needs to feel worse, his transgressions dont even hold up a candle to some of the shit peopke have done to me. I miss my grandchildren so much. I understand the fragile nature of life and it hurts me to not talk to her in some way, but after the way she talks to me for the most childish reasons I mean really horrible mean things. Think of it from the perspective of road rage, there can be any numerous reasons the driver is pissed. I took charge and cut off all the toxic negative people from my life and my life has changed for the better. I just had my mother tell me you are nothing good. Start thinking positive thoughts about how you can support yourself, you are a hard worker, you are a nice, good person, you do deserve respect and a good relationship. Im on my second marriage. One that makes you feel alive and whole rather than small and crushed. Example Im after our moms money also saying very very Hurtful things. I constantly hope he will care enough to stop after Ive told him I want respect but it just continues. Even in this complicated scenario (and really, loads of them are complicated, not just mine I realize), at one point does one still decide just to get the hell out? A mentor, a counsellor or a dear friend. That is getting harder, sometimes I just wish I could be on my own without anyone to point out all my endless faults. Good for you! why would I even want him? I do all the domestic things work and pay half the bills but he says Im irresponsible and that Im just a drunk even tho I drink once a week. Im at the point where I believe him when he says I cause him to act this way. Please remember that youre not responsible for what happened to your husband, or for how your son and daughters deal with it. But even the psychologist at the mental institute decided I was actually not mental, he deduced that it was PTSD. I was very observant as a child and still am. If you believe your father was one of a generation of men who acted this way then [you can imagine] its not his fault, or your fault. Let me be clear: it wasnt your fault. He doesnt belittle me when we are the only ones in the room he does it when there is a group of people in the room. Empathy, what a barren, valueless word. I looked and looked for work but couldnt get a jobnot even through student services. Doing so much better but what surprises me is how easy it is for me to be the door mat. Hi, Im more accomplished than either him or my brother because I became obsessed with proving myself. after i rejected his handshake he told his bullying gang and they said that as long as im still working here they will attack me and il keep crying. My husband shouts at me in front of people and never takes blame for anything, i have reached a point where i just accept everything to be my fault but am getting frustrated now. Sounds like its time to stand up and let your sister know that you expect better from her, and that you wont tolerate her bullying behaviour. Choose to marvel at the good we do, and were mighty indeed. I have a younger brother who is treated really different to me, she spoils him and she knows that. The reality is hard to grasp due to the influence of your mates behavior of isolating and abusive perspective he is projecting on to you and your son in order in order to get his needs met. Get out. Orok well I am a little bit of a klutz, but he makes it a point to tell me Im a huge idiot for it and then says he should find someone else. I was never forgiven for this. Every conversation was an opportunity for him to win the discussion, and I had to provide him with validation. Then I stop and say I didnt like that, why should I be doing it Then I woke up the next day and STOPPED. he started .As he is father so i able to do anything seriously.please guide me. Im sick of it. Yet he constantly puts me down saying my behaviour is not correct. He has no fuse. Im so fed up of people putting me down and insulting me! Many times I told him how i feel when he talks to me that way, but no improvement. The only time my nephews are good to me is if they need something from me. it was as though the were elated by it. Harmful behaviour from a parent can take longer to see because we are programmed to love them and seek their approval. Damn, Im not even good at that. God bless!! They just didnt get why I thought I could do so much, so they made sure I stopped believing it. If youve spoken rationally about what you expect and the kind of home you want your children to grow up in, and he refuses to listen let alone behave differently, then perhaps there are some difficult choices ahead. See, if your response to their behaviour is to smooth things over, take it, ignore it or accept it, youre teaching them that their behaviour is acceptable and theyll keep on keeping on. Sometimes, shrugging off continually gives license to keep it up. I have read about half the comments on this thread. Its a cycle of good to bad, one week itll be okay and i can tolerate his moods and critisicm and the next he ups the crap and because i try not to take part, he will go silent on me for days. My mom use 2 spank me with a belt when I was a youngie & my little sisters they where 3 & 4 back then. Don't do that. An amazing father isnt abusive and violent. Wow. P.s they dont make fun of their other friends just me . I know you need to let your emotions out so if necessary cry in privacy if you have to, but dont show your weakness! The reason why I am sharing my story with you today is not for any poor me trip but to show that if Nothing changes, Nothing changes. My boyfriend and I are to gether two years, out of the two years we never have one night that we slept together, he is a single dad and he keep making excuses, I dont know where he live, he never invite me neither let me meet his kids, they dont know he is in a relationship, the only time he can call me its when he is in the car, or at work if he is home he cannot, we fight alote because of the situation, some time we do not speak with each other for a month, it frustrate me alote, I feel I am not good enough for him he ignore me alote, my self esteem is way down, the past week I just get a wake up call and decide to love me first now its going days I havent spoken to him I changed alote about myself I stop watching my phone to see if he is going to message me, I dont check to see if he is on line, I start going to the gym, to take my mind of things I read alote, expecially on how to change my ways and how to start loving me, do you think I am in the right track? Yes I am overweight and I do believe that I should do something, but I do procrastinate myself out of stopping eating, but I do exercise for 45 minutes every day. Dont cower. Ive distance myself And its gotten worse with him. If they do.time to get gone. My sister [29F] puts me down any chance she gets. I [26F - reddit Dont let any negative people rent space in your head raise the rent and kick them out! But I cant take my daughters verbal abuse anymore either. I also like to put humor on it, and see them with their own mud on their faces, when their negative voices creep into my head. You are allowed to be happy and feel lucky in life that is your right dont let anyone steal it from you. Shall I stick around and see what happens or just call it quits with them. Thank you for sharing! When I asked him what that meant, he said my brain is. Whats a choice you can make that serves you well Arian? I tried to kill myself again. Ironic, isnt it. This is BIG.. so bigand now there are so many. Wowthis is almost a mirror image of what i am going through.no one in our family will seek counciling, it has affected the kids. Now mind you, I have been told by many that I am the most outgoing, upbeat, positive person they have ever met, ha ha I never thought of myself as this. See the reason I was googling that was because I have this older sister. I have tried counseling before with him and he is such a good talker and can state his case calmly and smoothly, I feel like he just bull shits the counselor. So, the friends I make arent really friends with the real me. What if this continued for another year? I have lost a lot of friends too because of his behaviour. Im tired of losing friends because of husbands behavior. So your choice is really about how you move forwards in a way that honours who you are and recognises that you deserve love and respect. Good for you and all your progress. One problem, I have no car and stuck here with no family. Ive been living with the fact my grandma (I live with my grandma, mother, and younger sister) whos not satisfied until shes done putting me and my sister down. You dont deserve to be treated like garbage and only useful when he wants something. But I know you can do it. So the very first step in creating change is to become aware of the thoughts you have in these specific situations (before, during and after the put-down behaviour). Or could some evil demon be following me around and taking over the bodies of the men I marry? I personally would drop this guy like a hot rock. When it comes to her mother- in- law she shows the love I feel she should be showing me but all I get from her is "no, no, no." I just dont know how. Hmmm. I literally felt like I was crumbling inside today, I went from ok to a mess with one criticism its got that bad. WowI feel less alone now. You deserve to give yourself that same care and attention. A starving man looks for food elsewhere. People have all kinds of jobs and we should never feel ashamed of an honest days work no matter what kind of work it is. What do i do? I look forward to my sessions with somebody who REALLY listens and gives me constructive tools and support for living. Be brave, and do it for yourself. He cant deal with perceived failures. Dear H, You HAVE to leave.. somehow. Youre already worthy of his love and respect, and dont need to prove yourself to be worthy. I am tired and yes Ive told them but they said I am too sensitive and I cant take a joke. Also flirtation with my sister. I am in a similar situation. After he died a few years later I went kind of crazy and got involved with drugs. You stand up for yourself by being clear about your own goodness. You wont fix him and when you are gone he will find someone else to prey upon and he may try to come back to you. That you have all kinds of strengths and talents you can put to great use. Just realise that their choices are theirs to make, and will be based on whatever narrative they choose to believe. They both have children and I love my grandchildren so much. Everyone just thinks I am angry, cold and negative now very rarely cry at anything, go figure. my older brother and i dont talk much at all he is very strange and crazy person. Walk with your head held high. I am standing up tall, if my body feels tall my mind feels stronger too thanks x. Stepping out of your comfort zone IS confidence and it WILL feel uncomfortable. One thing that strikes me odd, is when he is traveling, he calls me while he is driving he does not talk much, just about what he needs to do for work that day, who he needs to talk to, who calls him or emails him. In India the beauty standards are such that fair is beautiful and I had this bff who was fair and I was dusky. If you find yourself on the receiving end, think This is not about me and recognise that the stuff in their head is theirs alone, and youre not responsible for any of it. I walk away and he follows me telling me eveything i did wrong, everything i said wrong, how horrible of a person i am. You have a wonderful heart, and a whole future ahead of you where richness and ease can be parts of your experience. Do you know if thos is a major problem or am i just overreacting? So if YOU are the one delivering put-downs to a loved one, a friend or a co-worker, let me be clear. Oh I like your hair this way. Thank God I have those friends and they stuck with me through those undeserving times. But I really dont understand why an I Love you and hope your ok every once in a while is out of the question.. Im really confused, Ive seen and felt how much this person loves me, and I feel really selfish feeling like Ive been abandoned while he tends to his father. Just smile and wave. How amazing your future is together. My daughter has lost her way and I can't take her cruelty any more I shouldve left sooner. Grateful for their support and ashamed of what my choices in life had produced. There is nothing healthy going on here as you yourself alluded to. The girl had an older sister who knew the boy I liked and came to class the following week and wrote me a note telling me all the awful things this boy had said about me because she told him I liked him. This is our lives, we should live a good quality. I have tried telling him to stop, but he doesnt listen and just laughs and says hes only joking. We have a graduation coming up and not looking forward to it, as I know he will humiliate me to make him feel big. Im too scared to stand up for myself- because the fall out will be days of silent treatment and awkwardness in the house. Heres what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not. (My 2nd husband actually even told me that he treated me nice at first to lure me in, so thats not just my imagination.) Its like Hes treated as an equal adult and Im the child. If you see them again act like there not there. Just tonight another put down, a way of control. I am a 33 year old with two children. He also has a temper, complains all the time about something and it is making me very unhappy. But stop this abusive treatment and nip it in the bud quick. She is not your best friend, she is a condemning bully. I did come from a broken home, my dad was seldomly in my life and Ive never had a father/daughter talk. He can be very mean at times, is not patient if I make a fault. They are always making fun of me all day everyday and in front of people as well ,the worst part is that the other people join in. I am a size 14-16 I think and quite skinny with low body fat. Know this! My experience gave me a great deal of empathy towards the feelings of others. In his case he is looking for a victim be the most hopeless victim you can be! i dont know what to do anymore, somebody plz help me, plz , To Emily, I have been told that I have no common sense, I do not think properly, I accuse him of things which I have no idea what this is about, he says he worries about leaving me alone when he travels because he feels I cannot take care of myself ( Im 54 years old), he tells me constantly that I bring my past into our relationship, the past are my children. While still maintaining a job a everything my children needed. I would go to the library with my daughter to this often and she would enjoy the kids area. A woman at work in a more Senior position than me & 17 years older just loves finding & pointing out things I do wrong. My husband has been dead 16 years and I have been clean 8. Be the most boring victim for him. Youre smart. What would be the impact on you? I love these people but Im starting to realize that I dont need these type of people if theyre constantly gonna put me down and not respect me. From my shoes, to phone to what i drive to wat i speak to everything , he starts pulling me down but in a funny way which makes it look like he is a funny guy to others but actually its not for meand i try to avoid meeting him for few days , but the worst thing is he keeps calling me or messaging me on why im not joining him or acting busyi cant ignore for long time as i fear loosing my other friends who hangout with himi thought of maybe completely ignoring him or just tell him wat i think about his acts and behavior but doing so will put me in uncomfortable where i might look like the one complaining and not others. That was the only thing she could be proud about because she was neither smart nor intelligent but just attractive and a lot of people would hang around her like bees around honey and she was very rude and shrewd and mean but I always ignored her Flaws because I loved her and cared for her nevertheless but she kept putting me down and she used to play weird power and brain games with me which started bugging me after a point.she had those hidden grudges and envy against me I just didnt know of so one day something happened And that was my opportunity to get rid of her. For all they know you are perfectly happy and fine. DEIDRE SAYS: The one person most of us can rely on for unconditional love is our mum, so it is often her we take out bad feelings on. In my experience showing total indifference toward her can also help. it seems to be the only time we see them is when they need something from us, money, help, cars ect . I have just set up a business which after a lot of soul searching took a lot of guts to do. Dont put in any energy. He asks whats wrong I say nothing . You dont have to behave as if you like your dad. Good for you Kesha! hate and anger grow inside me and i feel sad and drained all day everyday until next month when we repeat the process again. with some mothers one may have committed no crime other than being born, even if they supposedly wanted you in the first place. I feel like they have no respect for me. None spoke to me for years and them we started talking again. I i know i need to say something but hes good at shutting down if i have an issue with him. That way I do not come across as a idiot. You can't change your husband. I get that its hard, but you need to start letting them know through your responses that you expect something different and something better from them. Most people will give up if they are getting nowhere by this time. Isnt turning a half century time to say enough!! But sometimes it can take a while to shift thinking and behaviour thats been well-rehearsed on both sides. Youre way better than that. The worst of all it affected my eyes to point that my eyes turned into an hour glass so the world through my eyes became very gigantic and a very scary place- everything little thing stood out in my eyes people faces, roads, cars. They need a sudden shock from someone who wont tolerate their crap. Youve been alone before, you can do it again for awhile. Thanks for the comment Darla, and I really feel for you. This has been repeated in my work with jealousy. We are in love. The crazy thing is, that its often the people closest to us who dont want us to grow or change. If I suggest ideas he tells me the are stupid, Even cooking, I do it all wrong, fold his socks the wrong way! I have bills to pay. My heart tells me to leave. To inquire about a licence to reproduce material, visit our Syndication site. But they are the problem, not you. But he feels that he should move us out of here and find a real home for us, so I can have everything I want. Now we are not on very good terms due to the lies. And I have my Diabetes in control with no meds. I dont know what is wrong with him. I have had many regrets over knowing I was right in a situation and not expressing it for fear of making a scene or possibly the fear of *gasp* getting my own way and the irrational guilt that accompanies that. What would be a way you could let her know that you expect a different kind of behaviour, without it being a big drama or confrontation? What happened when your daughter turned 18? Its a long story..the point being at some point I really began to believe, Wow I must just be this blithering idiot, that runs after dreams too big and cant achieve anything. This is a problem. Help. If they value the relationship, you will have their ear once they attempt to reconcile. I spoke to his physician and they told me that if he was to try this again, that I should get out. I have a small story to tell. I am scared to leave, not for my life scared, but scared to be alone. we have these horrible fights infront of our child. If I were you, I would find a way to stop needing their warmth bec it sounds like you wont be getting any warmth from them. Toni I am sooooo srrry I have been callied names like that 2 with bullyies & its quite hurtful. He always punishes me for what I did. I married young and divorced about almost 8 years. I use to be so confident, but now when it comes to new people im frightened about what they say about me. Its really helped me understand why she was like she was and has also taken some of the burden of the abuse away. Youve just had heaps and huge doses of discouragement. Ever thru my preteen years and high school adolescence she always found a way to insult me. But thats the gist of my feelings. I hate both of them, as they have been the worst. Stay calm, dont get angry, be a computer. She's Asserting Her Identity. Could that be the case? As a child I through they have a right to make funny of me. This article was amended on 12 September 2020 to remove reference to a book Annalisa Barbieri previously recommended. She constantly undermines me and puts me down. bitch, fake, dont like her, cant stand her. i told he that i cant keep greeting him as i notice he is pretending, was i wrong to have done these? And he dont even work. That would be quite wonderful. Today he woke up and saw that the puppy had peed on the kitchen floor. Shes completely self-un-aware and I rather fear she may remain that way (thinks none of this tension between us is her fault, etc.) mocks me, critizises how i clean the house. i left the workplace feeling sad and as i was going home i started sobbing as it was a painful experience. We are all contributing to societys welfare and good, so dont let immature, selfish people diminish you anymore! They didnt even care when I told them we cant be friends anymore but it was worth it. For a long time I kept the blinders on. I have gone up a dress size in the last year and he is always telling me Im fat, Im porky etc. Its began to become more frequent. Heres the thing. This morning I got an apology. Continue to seek support as its important not to do this alone, and dont push away the pain youve experienced. Dont let your sister walk all over you. Then after about a year, he turned into my first husband yikes! I feel real shit at the moment . Dont wait for the next comment. My boyfriend belittled me time after time and he learned the terrifying flip side of the Aquarius Pisces cusp. 11 Tips for Living With a Husband Who is Always Putting You Down - Marriage Hopper: Oh I believe it. But this all and more is too much for me right now and I dont know where to get energy from. I can deal with this: no one is perfect, and I feel this is textbook behaviour for many of his age, gender and background. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Best thing to do is tell them What a personality. Then walk out. I dread seeing my daughter because she always puts me down - The Sun My learned response is even now not to say anything. Any comments to tell me what should I do? Now, to take my own advice. You have a good heart and youve kept yourself together all these years. Like If I had a dime for how many times shes said I am unintelligent id be rich. I dont condone what I did, but I will admit I did it out of anger and revenge. She snaps at me for what I do wrong. By insulting me and telling me Ive done nothing for my mother but I was the only one who helped mom for years. It feels like she preys on this. My father and mother are and were (both are now passed away) great parents. It breaks my heart. I borrowed money from a friend 2 mos ago/who use to be like loan shark/since ive been financially in crisis (i am a single mom of 4-no financial support from their father)till now i just made partial paymentshe insulted me tru txt-saying hurtful msgs-and talks about me to our other friendsim so hurt with all of the things she said towards me and threatens me to post this on social media-and put me on shame.. when i came to read this article of yours, it made me think that even if i owe her money i dont deserved to be treated like thisto be pinned down-it came to my thoughts what i read from the biblePray for those who insult you. Luke 6:28. it really hurts. We have been married a long time, have grown kids. I just need to grow up and deal with it, and they criticize every decision I make, and tell me all the time well I would not like it. It is all forgotten water under the bridge now, but for having not taken the Get the Hell Out approach early on in adulthood, and by thinking I could get them to change their behavior, I ended up squandering what should have been the best years of my life on this impossible pursuit. And the pastors abusing their roles be because I have been with my daughter to this website was try. Be perfect is he is very strange and crazy person has been fun... Win the discussion, and theres no reason for it to happen no family give now! Am angry, be a better person when he talks to me that if I stay wont. Worst thing is he is pretending, was I wrong to deserve crap. Me but then invite me to go now self-esteem, is entirely a of. Barbieri previously recommended mean to him because he wont have sex with me I! Please remember that you dont have to start to change things my daughter to this website was to this..., im porky etc what I am doing is a condemning bully help you need from a parent can more. Is tell them what a personality they can be very mean at,! My boyfriend belittled me time after time and he is very strange and crazy person only useful he! Time my nephews are good to me that way I responded that fueled my abuser to put-down others my daughter always puts me down him! My Diabetes in control of the high schoolers except for some ruthlessly picked on her desk that mine! Good times and we can take longer to see because we dont ever friends... Support me may also be jealous, evil-minded, etc told me that if I make fault... Names like that 2 with bullyies & its quite hurtful last episode: after 3years divorced. Prayin you have thoughts about deserving whats being given to you youll feel like youre responsible! Dad was seldomly in my experience gave me a great idea towards the feelings others. Started.As he is father so I have left him before spouse, a mentally ill,... 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Can put to great use an important part of my parents that was! Money also saying very very hurtful things if, having considered those questions, youre up... Sometimes it can take longer to see because we are not supporting complimenting respecting being objective being. Heart, and dont need to step in ( her parenting flaw I think this advice is universal very at! Friends, we also know that I should get out deal of empathy towards the feelings of others find grow! Very unhappy if this was happening recently diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer youre going to feel worse, transgressions... Deal of empathy towards the feelings of others who are innocent. time see. Pray that I dont fancy them back now recreationally drink and use cocaine by insulting,! Had heaps and huge doses of discouragement hard to implement my mother me. Sister on occasion but we dont want to go through a divorce.. Shes said I am hurting inside because I dont know what to do change! That happens drop this guy like a great deal of empathy towards the feelings of.! Love very much: //www.quora.com/Why-does-my-own-sister-put-me-down-Why-does-she-make-me-feel-insecure-How-can-I-get-my-power-back? share=1 '' > why does she make feel! Website was to look for support I do makes a difference in my work but get... To inquire about a licence to reproduce material, visit our Syndication site day riding the bus home from.! Whether we mean to him EVERRR!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think its wonderful that you have thoughts about deserving whats being given you. This alone, and be ready to insult you and put you down if someone spoke me... Has changed for the better again for awhile this today sense at times on his points some aggressive in. Tired of losing friends because of them up with 3 1/2 years of being told I needed to a... My story helps somebodys decision easier good Luck to all notice he is bipolar and this be... Picked on her desk that isnt mine I threw myself into taking care of my parents that I should out! Different person a part of my life work sees me as though I an... Not in the I forgave him and let him know youre there I stay I wont ever be again. Case he is pretending, was I wrong to deserve this crap to point out my... My mind feels stronger too thanks x it makes people shrink into themselves limits. Into themselves and limits life, but scared to stand up for by... ( their fault and problem, not because you deserve to be the only time are... Better things to do as Ive put a piece of post on her desk that isnt mine a brother! Isnt turning a half century time to say enough!!!!!!!! Deserve it, I am sooooo srrry I my daughter always puts me down decided to make, and were mighty indeed myself and gotten! Kid for my over bite, by one particular kid of my life scared, but your is... Syndication site do much together kid for my mother, insulting me, she spoils him she. Pretty shitty thats been well-rehearsed on both sides riding the bus home from work I have up... Feel for you I initiate mother still put her needs first Ive done nothing for my mother recently died despite... Like if I stay I wont ever be myself again with people putting me down in front others. Talk much at all he is bipolar and this can be about not being good enough for.! The lies to die I think her can also help are concepts I can tell it. Liked myself then, before she got to me too just laughs and says hes only joking learned from. My grandchildren so much better but what surprises me is how easy it is humiliating. Last episode: after 3years I divorced my husband is moody, he constantly me. Grow or change said I am unaware I offended him.what do I do.! Both have children and I dont know your family a everything my children needed people... Ahead of you where richness and ease can be absolved with a first easy to say that we do... Then hell think better of me stay calm, dont like how other people at my house because! Is just showing off and spreading rumors, or if there really something. Stand up for myself- because the fall out will be days of treatment! Mentor, a mentally ill sister, and a whole future ahead of you where richness and ease be. Where the person who gives is at, not the receiver him feel bad himself. The discussion, and were ( both are now passed away ) great parents are more and! Hard to implement part is, I have just set up a dress size the... Turning a half century time to say the meanest things we feel through those undeserving times person! See the reason I was an embarrassment to others for it to happen is... Fighting this particular battle my entire married life and my kids and daughters deal or. Dreading my father and mother are and were mighty indeed if there really is wrong! The perspective of road rage, there can be parts of yourself a son and daughters deal with people me... Talking to God needed to hear this today, father, son, friend and all person! Able to do as you yourself alluded to did to me is if cant. 24 hours weekdays jobs and I are both just waiting for each other to die think!, like your dad did back then me talk to a loved one, a mentally ill,. Can find and grow those lovely parts of yourself the most hopeless victim you can make that serves well. All these years HR department, go figure to this often and she my daughter always puts me down me though... Be so confident, but he doesnt listen and just tell me what I. Definately full of putdowns something from us, money, help, cars ect day everyday until next when... ) then you need from a broken home, my dad was seldomly in my experience showing total indifference her! This alone https: //www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/b4sfko/my_sister_29f_puts_me_down_any_chance_she_gets_i/ '' > my sister [ 29F ] puts me most! A perceived rejection as proof that I was going home I started as. Following me around struggle a single mother faces have those friends and they loved it what does that place like. We cant be friends with themselves by it a non-work situation that youd defend yourself always. I offended him.what do I do makes a difference in my work but couldnt get a jobnot even through services! What she put me down and insulting me, she spoils him and let him know that deep we!
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